the ocean and the shore

I was away for so long that I came home with writer's block, but Thursday I had a flood of creativity that started with this. I'm happy to say that I'm finally writing again. Slowly but surely, I think I will finish the novel I'm working on when I'm not writing this poetry. 

The Ocean and the Shore 

Some days I am the ocean,

and You are my shore. 

As waves crash against 

the burning sand and

go back again,

lost in their wandering,

lost in the vastness of the sea,

oh God,

so do I wander and lose myself,

in the hopelessness of 

searching and longing for things

I think I'll never have 

but then I remember the shore 

and just like the ocean,

I return again to fall on the shoreline,

back again to You, my Lord,

the One my soul longs for,

in Your arms do I find all that fulfills

my longing and searching. 

Other days I am a single grain of sand

taken from the shoreline I know so well

and thrown into the harsh and vast sea

swirling and drowning amongst the billions

but then Your hand reaches out into   

the middle of the ocean

and there You've found me,

this tiny speck of sand,

in the hand of the Creator of everything.

Though I feel lost in it all,

You spotted me out amongst the many. 

How amazing it is that though

I felt swallowed up in the sea

the One who shaped the earth 

with His own hands and painted

the stars in the night sky 

and gave the wind it's power

and holds the oceans in His hands--

that same God picked me out,

of all the people He could have chosen,

He chose me even with my wandering heart 

and He called me to be His own. 

Kenya 2014

There are so many things I could write about, and one blog post will never be enough to describe all that happened on this trip, and though I have it all in a journal, and though I could type out my journal entries here, they would be far too personal to be placed permanently on the internet, so this is the best I can do. 

There's an indescribable bond that I feel formed before our plane ever took off on June 19th. This team that I was on became a family, and this bond we have is the one that comes through being united by the blood of Jesus Christ. This team of 16 went to Kenya, Africa. Together, we answered the calling of what we are to do as Christians. We're called to go into the nations to make disciples. So we took the gospel to the people of Kenya. 

Over the course of the past week, we were in ministry together. We shared the gospel, we shared testimonies, we put on a VBS program, we took the love of Christ and the freedom of salvation into prisons, and listing all that we did would not begin to describe how God worked through us and in us and in the people we spoke too. We listened to the Holy Spirit speaking through one another. One of my highlights for the week was when I was talking to three women with two of the girls on the team when we were out evangelizing and I sat there knowing the Holy Spirit was speaking through me.

We grew in our faith together and we encouraged one another and we were encouraged by those around us. I felt like I was stretched thin and overwhelmed by all that we did in one week, but it was God's way of placing me outside of my comfort zone and asking me to do things that I've never done before. I hope I showed willingness even if I was scared and nervous. We were all placed in situations where we would step outside of our comfort zones so we could grow. 

We were broken together. There were some days where our hearts were just broken by what we saw or heard. I was saddened to discover that a majority of the people we talked to, whether it was children in VBS, or students on a college campus, they all have a basic knowledge of the Bible and they all know about God, and they know that not everyone goes to heaven, but some people that I talked to think it's by works that they can get into heaven. They have no idea that Jesus Christ is the only way to forgiveness. I realized that even though they appear to believe in God and they appear to have a strong knowledge of the Bible (thanks to some kids that I worked with during vbs crafts I now know who Saul's father is), they still need to hear about the good news of Jesus Christ. I realized that this is why it's vital to us as Christians to go out on missions trips or simply to be on a mission here. People need the gospel, whether it's the college campus that we took it to in Kenya, or a college campus here or whatever. That's what we're supposed to do, isn't it? We have the testimony that we were wretched sinners, but God is gracious and merciful and because He loved us so much that He sent His Son to die for us, we should want to share the grace we've been given. 

We were humbled together. On Friday, we were at a gas station hanging out while the vans got oil changes. A man came by with a wheelbarrow of sugarcane  and some how we found an orphanage just down the road, a minute's walk from where we were. So we used the fact that we were stuck at a gas station to go take sugarcane to the kids. It was heartbreaking to see, and it was hard on all of us to see these abused and abandoned children, but we were encouraged when they sang praise to God for us. I was writing in my journal the day after coming home, and some might see that these kids have nothing, but they have absolutely everything. They have their Savior. While we were there, we heard the peace in their voices and saw the joy in their smiles that comes from having their faith and trust placed in the Father's hands. They sang praises to God while we were there, and one of the oldest girls prayed for us, and in her prayer we all heard the immense faith she has placed in God the Father's hands. While they sang their songs of praise and worship, I couldn't help but think, "Wow. They may be orphans, but they've become a family, united by the blood of Christ."

They have a Heavenly Father who provides for them and they're a little family. I felt that the team I was on wasn't very different. We had that same bond that brought us together. We had become a family when we arrived at the airport on June 19th, and just like the children we took sugarcane to, we're united by the blood of Christ. 

As I was journaling about this again Wednesday, Romans 8 came to mind. 

Romans 8:15-18 (ESV)

For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have recieved the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs--heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 

Over the course of this trip, every single one of us was shown how strongly God was in control. From missing our flight and staying an extra day in London to plans changing and returning to a college that we had gone to before, God was in complete control of all of it and though in the moment we couldn't see how it would be pulled together, we stepped forward and afterward we were shown how every single change of plans was God's way of redirecting us to someone who needed to hear the gospel. 

Proverbs 16:9 

The heart of man plans his way,

But the LORD establishes his steps. 

When we were at the hotel the extra night in London, I was reading in Jeremiah that night one of the verses that I read was perfect for what we were experiencing.  

Jeremiah 10:23

I know, O LORD, that the way of man is not in himself,

That it is not in man who walks to direct his steps. 

There are so many things I could say about this trip, or I could simply say the trip was wonderful and amazing, but that simply wouldn't do. I'm blessed to have been a part of a family that was always encouraging me throughout the week, and I'm honored to have seen them growing throughout it all. I'm truly amazed by the wondrous things God did this week. I'm thankful to Him that He gave me such an amazing opportunity. It's great to be home, but I miss my family/team already. <3

speak through me

This is what I wrote last night when I was struggling to write something that still needs to be written. 

God, I don't know what to say.

Lord, I pray You'll give me words.

Speak through me, Spirit!

Speak through me!

They're slow in coming

I don't know what I'm doing

I'm scared.

Father, I pray You'll give me

the words I need to say

because I'm lost

I don't know what I'm doing,

I've never done this before.

But You know my fears,

You know my insecurities.

Why do I list them here?

Why do I remind myself of

my fears and worries,

of my inability to know what to say,

when You are my strength

for You are with me,

and You've said so in Your word,

why do I fear, when You give me courage?

Why am I speechless,

when You give me words?

Lord, I pray You'll

remind me of these things

when I fail to remember.

I pray You'll give me the words,

the ones You want me to say,

the ones that need to be said.

I can only be thankful

for You bringing me here.

I can list my fears,

and list why I mustn't fear,

but it's nothing without praise--

praise for You, my Lord,

for bringing me to this point.

I would have nothing

worth saying if it weren't for You

No one would care for what I have to say

if it weren't for You

bringing me to people who care.

You've given me reasons to speak,

reasons to praise,

and for that I can only sing,

how great Thou art. 

untitled #1

I was at a stoplight yesterday thinking of my novels and writing, and how I've woven together so many words to create stories, lives and worlds, but I found myself daydreaming and marveling at all that God has created. 

I've built kingdoms of fiction and fantasy 

I've created beings from nothing 

I know their thoughts

I make them move. 

I've crowned kings and queens 

I caused betrayal and dissension 

and I've started wars and battles. 

I've built these kingdoms, and

I've torn them down. 

There are thousands of flaws 

in all I've created. 

Though I've sown together 

the words that have created 

all of these things,

I can never write enough words. 

There are trails of ink that 

swoop and sway into these poems

I write, but they'll never be enough. 

I've blotted out the imperfections 

until all that is left is everything necessary 

but I'll never make it perfect enough. 

But You, my Lord,

with words alone you spoke

all of earth into creation. 

You are perfect 

and though You've given me the gift

of creating fake worlds and people

and stringing words together 

to paint a picture 

and weaving them into a blanket so they're all connected,

to spill ink onto a page 

until it transforms into poetry,

it will never be enough,

my words will never be enough,

to fully express how thankful I am,

to fully express how much I love You,

My Savior,

and to fully describe the great lengths of Your love for me. 

My heart may overflow with words

that spill into black ink,

but Your heart overflows with love

so great that it spilled into Your blood

so my blackness would be washed as white as a blank page. 

let creation sing

"All creatures of our God and King

lift up your voices and with us sing

Oh, praise Him..."

The trees whisper of

what He's done.

The birds whistle about 

who He is.

The depths of the ocean's secrets

are none compared to the riches 

and depths of His love. 

The creatures creeping and crawling 

and howling and prowling 

on this earth,

they sing praise to Him their Creator. 

the lone wolves howl to the moon 

He hung in the heavens,

and they howl praises to Him

the whales sing their songs

in the ocean deep,

songs to their Creator. 

the birds chirp for Him 

who gave them voices to sing 

and wings to fly. 

The lions roar knowing

the mightiest of lions with 

the mightiest of manes

isn't mighty enough and

his roar isn't loud enough

to compare to Him who is mighty to save

and He who speaks, and then creates. 

The crow in the field

wants to believe that he finds

his own worm in the early morn,

but knows that his Creator

is also his Provider. 

The lilies in the field,

and all flowers that bloom,

think in their vanity that they're beautiful,

but they know in their souls that 

their Creator clothed them in such splendour. 

There was gossip in the trees' whispers,

there was chatter in the birds' chirps,

there was rumour in the whales' songs

there was wonder in the wolves' bark

there was amazement in the lions' growl

for God came down from heaven 

and sent down His only son

Jesus Christ.  

It was a scandal of grace. 

Then 

there was heartbreak in the trees' sobs,

there was sadness in the birds' cries,

there was mourning in the wolves' howls

there was aching in the whales' voices,

there was grief in the lions' roars,

and darkness shrouded creation,

as the Son of God bowed His head.

And now--

there is rejoicing in the trees' breeze

there is glorifying in the birds' voices

there is celebration in the wolves' howls

there is praise in the whales' songs,

there is declaring in the lions' roars,

for this glorious act of love. 

work of Your hands

I don't think I have a lot of people that actually read this blog, but that's okay. I enjoy it anyway. Poetry is different than story writing for me. The stories I write--they're about other people's experiences that have never happened. But the poetry I share here--they're stories from my own experiences. 

I wrote this poem yesterday afternoon, thinking about the senior class trip I went on Saturday and the chance I had to go paddle boarding and lay down on the board and relax.

Sometimes the sight of the stars

bring me to tears. 

I look at them, and the silver moon,

and think about how God 

painted the sky that bluish black

and hung the stars so delicately

so that they would form shapes. 

He hung them in the heavens,

and to us they're countless

but the Creator of the universe

numbered the stars and 

knows them all by name. 

I had to stop. And look. 

The river was calm,

the breeze was soft,

the sun was blazing,

all was quiet. 

I realized keeping up with everyone

didn't matter 

and I stopped and looked around,

marveling at what my eyes saw before me. 

Its all Your creation,

and for a short time I was alone

to look at the work of Your hands,

in a peaceful lazy river,

where the water was cool

and the sun was hot

and the blue heron flew above

and the birds were singing

in the forest of trees surrounding me. 

There was an adventure,

and all I wanted to do was lay back

and look around simply so 

I could be surrounded by Your creation. 

I felt peace, so far from my worries,

and I forgot about everything 

that I stress over. 

And if I could have,

I would have stayed a while longer,

floating along in a peace that came

from looking at what my eyes beheld

and seeing the work of my Father's hands 

all around me. 

the start

I wanted to write a Facebook post about how I'm counting today as the start of summer and some other stuff, but it didn't work so I decided to write this poem instead. I didn't think it would end up where it went, but I'm happy that it started talking about May and whatnot and then ended where it did. 

Well hello May. 

It seems winter was too long

and spring wasn't long enough 

but I'm counting you as the start 

of summer. 

The start of something new 

and the start of what I pray will 

be an amazing new beginning 

to a new chapter. 

My God, You've brought me so far 

and looking back, I almost 

don't recognize myself. 

Who I was 

isn't who You've made me. 

September feels like so long ago 

and I think back then, 

summer felt so far away

But here it is! 

This is it. 

I remember being almost there,

but now it's practically here. 

Time has flown by 

so much has happened 

and I pray that it wasn't wasted 

and that it won't be wasted. 

Oh Father, You've carried me so far

I had my doubts when the end began,

I feared I wouldn't get here, 

and people fed my doubt,

but now, 16 days and I'll be there. 

Father, I give You all of the credit

for all that You've done

You've changed my heart,

and You've given me more than

I could've asked for.

And You daily remind me of Your love. 

Father, I thank You for how far You've carried me. 

You started something in me,

and You're continuously working 

with Your hands until Your work is done 

And I'm here,

ready to do whatever You will for my life. 

You started something last January,

It was an end...

And a start. 

Oh, my God, so much has happened

between then and now 

And I don't know where I'd be.

If I had never become who You've 

changed me to be. 

When I came back to You

on that day, 

You  took me in Your arms that 

You held out to me,

it was the start 

of You working

in my heart.

Because I was a blank canvas,

needing You to paint Your picture on. 

I was an empty page,

needing You to write Your story on. 

Oh, how I was a blank slab of marble,

desperately needing my Sculptor. 

an empty page, a blank canvas, a blank slate--

Oh, how You've written Your story on my heart, 

Oh, how You've sculpted me to be the shape of 

what You want me to be,

Oh, How You've painted Your picture of

grace on what was once a blank canvas. 

Father, where I ended,

You started.